DEALING WITH LOSS
Rabbi Marc Boone Fitzerman
Congregation B’nai Emunah
Every death, expected or not, brings a sense of dislocation and distress. No cliché can contain this experience, or the sudden eruptions of feeling that attend it. Inevitably we struggle to regain our balance, aided by the people who assemble to offer comfort. One of the tasks of the Synagogue community is to receive the experience of loss and bereavement and help survivors endure intact. Our guiding principle is simplicity in all things: a small number of choices, quickly made, so that they do not interfere with the real work of mourning.
In all of this, our major concern is the mourner. Our entire community is charged with the responsibility to comfort and console, to bind up wounds and point toward strength and restoration. Please let us help you in whatever way we can, from guidance and advice to a warm meal and company at the table. Our losses may be necessary and unavoidable, but we hope that members of the Synagogue family will feel support and concern when they find themselves in new and unfamiliar experiences.
This packet of information is intended as a supplement to Dry Your Tears, an important project undertaken by the members of our Chevra Kadisha (Volunteer Burial Society). That work is a warm and thoughtful look at Jewish burial and mourning practice from the perspective of the tradition. At the time of its publication, Dry Your Tears was sent to every member of the Jewish community of Tulsa. If you would like a copy, please call the Synagogue at 583-7121. We hope that this supplement is helpful in providing current details and developments.
First Things
There are times when a loss in the congregation follows a long illness or a period of infirmity. On occasion, death will occur unexpectedly. Regardless of circumstance, the first call made by surviving family or friends should be to the staff of Fitzgerald Funeral Services at (918) 585-1151. The Fitzgerald’s staff has served the Synagogue for decades, and is intimately familiar with our burial practices and preferences. Fitzgerald’s phones are staffed around the clock, 365 days a year, and an experienced staff person will respond day or night.
Fitzgerald’s staff will arrange for the pickup of the deceased, and secure all the appropriate clearances. This is a simple matter when someone dies in the hospital or under hospice care at home. Additional steps are sometimes necessary when a person is not under the official auspices of an institutional caregiver, but things still proceed quickly. Simply indicate where the deceased is to be picked up, and the staff of the funeral home will respond appropriately.
While Waiting
During the short time between the call to Fitzgerald’s and their arrival, it is considered meritorious to attend the dead by remaining with the body. When someone has been hooked to an IV, etc., it is appropriate for the medical staff to remove lines and equipment. Nothing else needs to be done, except to preserve the modesty of the deceased. It is customary for family members present to recite the following in Hebrew, English, or both:
Shema Yisra’ayl Adonai Elohaynu Adonai Echad.
Here, O Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One.
At this point (when family members feel comfortable with this step), a sheet should be gently draped over the deceased and pulled over the head and face. Our assumption is that no person would ever wish to be seen by others, without the option of turning away. The sheet is an effort to protect the privacy of someone who can no longer control the movement of others or him/herself.
Mourners should know that the description above is an ideal which is sometimes difficult to achieve. If the above proves difficult, please be aware the same gestures and words form the ritual observed by the Chevra Kadisha (Voluntary Burial Society).
Arrival of the Staff of the Funeral Home
In short order, the Fitzgerald’s staff should arrive. The Synagogue is represented at this point by Jonathan Jeffy, a remarkable member of the Synagogue’s Chevra Kadisha (Volunteer Burial Society). Jonathan frequently comes out with the hearse, but sometimes arrives at the funeral home when the body is returned. Jonathan remains with the body, day and night, until the time comes for burial. This is part of our commitment to treat every member of our community with tenderness and dignity. It is customary for every deceased person to leave the room where s/he has died feet first, honoring the way in which someone would move from place to place in life.
Rose Hill Cemetery
All of the Synagogue’s burials take place at Rose Hill Cemetery, where we maintain a large property and have buried our members since the early 1900s. The cemetery is located at the corner of Yale and Admiral, and our section is now in the process of being renovated. Apart from the existing sections now receiving burials, the Synagogue has established a new section for those member families where one partner may be Jewish and another is a member of another faith community or has no religious affiliation. All sections are governed by the same rules regarding the size and appearance of monuments, the use of wooden caskets, officiation by Jewish clergy, and burial in the traditional garments (tacharichim/shrouds) of Jewish interment. The only exception is that, in the case of burial of those who happen not be members of the Jewish community, we ask that family members provide simple white garments (shirt and pants for men; dress or skirt and blouse for women) in order to honor the standards of simplicity, modesty, and egalitarianism that determine Jewish practice. We bury our dead without shoes, slippers, belts, jewelry, etc., and this applies to all sections of the cemetery.
Timing the Funeral
The Synagogue works hard to honor the Jewish standard of speedy burial. The tradition understands that anxiety of all kinds collects around the unburied body of the dead, and moves us deliberately toward resolution. If a person dies on Sunday through Wednesday, the funeral is typically scheduled for the second day after the day of death, allowing time for travel and other arrangements. If the death takes place on Thursday, we sometimes schedule for Friday, but usually Sunday. Friday deaths result in Sunday funerals, and Shabbat deaths in Monday funerals. Like most cemeteries, Rose Hill’s weekend charges are quite substantial. In order to keep the cost of a funeral to a minimum, the Synagogue sometimes recommends a delay until Monday. This is a case of two Jewish values in conflict (speedy burial and modesty in funeral arrangements) without the means of a perfect resolution.
Members of the Jewish community will begin calling the Synagogue to ask about arrangements very soon after a death has occurred. Establishing the schedule is thus the first of a small number of decisions that need to be made. Except in the summer, our funerals are almost always at noon in order to accommodate those who must be at work. During the hot months of summer, we try to begin earlier in the day. The largest share of services are graveside funerals, without a prelude at the Synagogue or Fitzgerald’s. Increasingly, our members prefer to avoid two services, although there have been many exceptions. This choice is entirely up to the bereaved family.
Almost always, there is a shiva (mourning) service later in the day of a funeral at 5:30 p.m. It is common to do this service at the home of the mourner, although members increasingly prefer to schedule this service at the Synagogue.
Two Meetings
It is almost always necessary to schedule two meetings before a funeral, one at the Synagogue, and one at Fitzgerald’s, and usually undertaken back to back. The purpose of the Synagogue meeting is to chose or confirm a gravesite, review the ritual steps that make up a funeral, and plan the message that will be delivered.
The purpose of the meeting at Fitzgerald’s is to choose a casket, frame an obituary or death notice, decide questions regarding transportation of mourners, choose pallbearers, and handle the administrative and financial affairs that go with death and burial.
Eulogies
Up through 2000, the Rabbi of the congregation delivered the vast majority of eulogies at Synagogue funerals. Since that time, families have increasingly asked to undertake this responsibility. Our experience is that it is deeply satisfying for members to participate in this way. Our simple standard calls for a single eulogy, which may include material from several family members, and which is fully framed and written before the service. The eulogy should be reviewed by family members apart from the writer, to make sure that it represents one and all. The eulogy may be read by one person or divided into parts for two; alternatively, it may be read by the Rabbi on behalf of the family. The Rabbi remains ready to prepare a eulogy for any member of the congregation, and is honored to be called on in this way. When the eulogy is prepared by a member of the family, the Rabbi will frame the message with introductory and closing remarks of his own that reflect on the place of the deceased in the community and the Synagogue.
Rabbis Fitzerman and Sherman have frequently stepped in for one another during vacations or life-cycle events in either Rabbi’s family. Brian Brouse, Ritual Chair of the Synagogue, has also officiated on occasion. Both Rabbis appreciate the understanding of the Synagogue and Temple members when it comes to the circumstances of life in a small Jewish community.
Pallbearers
It takes a minimum of six and a maximum of eight pallbearers to bear a casket to a grave. These may be men or women, family members or friends, and members of any faith community. All should be people who are physically strong enough to carry the weight of the casket. Any number of honorary pallbearers may be chosen as a way of including others in the task of burying the dead.
The Service
A graveside funeral begins with the ceremonial walking of the casket from the hearse to the tent. On most days, there are seven stops along the way, signaling our reluctance to part with those we love.
The ceremony proceeds with the placing of the casket on the bier over the grave, and keriah (“rending”) for members of the family. The tearing of a garment is the outward signal that life has been unalterably changed by the death of another human being. A tear can be mended, but it cannot be untorn. With male mourners, we cut and then tear a tie. Female mourners should wear a kerchief, which is treated in the same way.
Following keriah, mourners are seated. The funeral service begins with texts from the tradition which introduce the eulogy, followed by the eulogy itself. A hope for the well-being of the dead and his/her eternal life in the World to Come is chanted in the form of El Malay Rachamim (“God, full of compassion…”).
At this point, the casket is lowered to the accompaniment of appropriate prayers, and the whole congregation now participates symbolically in burial, laying earth over the vault that encloses the casket. Mourners themselves may find this deeply consoling as they participate in preparing a final resting place for the dead. The service closes with Kaddish, any necessary announcements, and the forming of two lines of comforters, through which the mourners pass, receiving words of consolation from all present.
When a funeral service unfolds in two parts, one inside and the other at the grave, the flow of events described above is divided in half. Depending on circumstance, the preliminary service may be held in Kaiser-Miller Auditorium, the chapel at Fitzgerald’s, the chapel of the Synagogue, or the Sanctuary. The last two options are reserved for those who are members of the Jewish community and who will be buried in our cemetery. Please note that we have recently made use of the small, non-denominational chapel at Rose Hill on days that were either very hot or too rainy to stand outside. These were, in essence, graveside funerals that were moved indoors due to inclement weather.
In any event, the Synagogue honors the strong cultural preferences of the Jewish community in asking that mourners and friends forego flowers, wreathes, bouquets, and houseplants. We encourage all who wish to express condolences in a tangible form to prepare gifts of food for the mourner and his/her family. Gifts and contributions to worthy efforts and organizations are also appreciated.
Following the Service
Most funeral services are followed by a meal of consolation in a place (frequently at the family home, but sometimes the Synagogue) that has been prepared to receive mourners. A pitcher of water and basin are left outside for ritual handwashing, mirrors are covered (fully or symbolically), and the meal itself includes hardboiled eggs, an Ashkenazic Jewish symbol-food for eternal life. This meal is frequently catered by purveyors who serve the Jewish community, but it may also be prepared (or added to) by loving friends. Those who would like advice on this score should make contact with Betty Lehman, our Administrator, at 583-7121. Betty keeps a list of those who have done work at B’nai Emunah, and can also help set up a meal at the Synagogue itself.
The afternoon gives way to a service at 5:30 p.m. This is frequently done at the family home (with visitors before and after), although many people choose to locate this service at the Synagogue itself. Because we are a small Jewish community, we ask that subsequent services be held at the Synagogue so that others may easily participate and immediate family and friends can help make up the minyan for others who may be in mourning or observing yahrtzeits. In this way, we can help each other fulfill the mitzvot of mourning.
Regardless of where the first shivah service is held, wine and small cups should be available so that the evening service can be followed by kiddush, recited by all present.
Shiva and Beyond
Many people experience shivah, the first seven days of mourning, as a time of profound comfort and rebalancing. Visits of comforters, calls, and conversation help in this process, along with attendance at Synagogue services (5:30 p.m. weekday afternoons, 9:00 a.m. Saturday mornings, special schedules on Friday and Saturday evenings). Beyond that first week, Jewish law stipulates a period of restraint for up to 12 full months in the case of a child mourning a deceased parent, and 30 days for all other mourners. In a traditional family, this would include saying Kaddish in the company of a traditional minyan (quorum), each day. For many generations, that has been the sign, par excellence, of devotion and remembrance. Family members will need to consider a pattern that can be gracefully sustained, and offers the satisfactions of ritual framing. Someone might decide to set aside each Shabbat for attendance at services. Another might attend each weekday afternoon. Depending on circumstance, a mourner might decide to forego public entertainments because of the discomfort that comes of associating grievous loss with public rejoicing. Please consider all of the possibilities, and don’t hesitate to ask for advice.
Erecting a Monument
The Synagogue has a separate set of guidelines that describe the process of setting a monument. These emphasize restraint and modesty in choosing stones that reflect traditional Jewish values. Preparing a monument is typically done toward the end of the first year of mourning. It is not necessary to have an official ceremony of unveiling, but many people choose to do so, as a way of structuring the period of a death anniversary. Mourners should decide this issue themselves; all preferences will be supported by the Synagogue.
Final Note
This short piece is an effort to record the essentials of a funeral at Congregation B’nai Emunah in Tulsa, Oklahoma. If there is something important to you that does not appear in this guide, please call out an alert, and it will likely be covered in the next iteration of this manual. We are grateful to many good people who have made suggestions about the guidance they need, and this short handbook continues to grow in response to the needs of our members and friends.
